Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Ned the Dog Trainer

A few nights ago The Hubs and I were hanging out with our small group. We all decided it would be a fun idea to walk to Dairy Queen (since it is boiling hot here!) and get some ice cream. yum. So we did. We leashed up the dogs and buckled in the baby (our friend's baby, not ours) and headed out on our way.

Before I go on I should say that we had Puppy with us that night. We were coming back from getting Puppy from The Hubs' parents house. We didn't have time to stop at home and get to our friends' house in a timely manner so we brought Puppy along. Which was fine with the friends. In fact, they have two doggies themselves. So it was like a little party. kind of. not really. But still, it was quite nice. 

Anyhow. Like I was saying. We leashed the doggies up and buckled in the baby. And we walked. And walked and walked. Until we got to Dairy Queen. Ok. Really, it wasn't that long a walk. It was quite nice. Except the part where we about died trying to cross the street because there was no traffic light. yikes. 

And then there we were at Dairy Queen for some ice cream. Not long after we had sat down at one of the nice tables and were drinking enjoying our ice cream a car pulls up. Not just any car. An old boxy rusty noisy car. I really don't pay attention to makes and models unless it happens to be a kind of car I lust after. Which it wasn't. Obviously. In the car sat two men. Talking. Loudly. They sat in there for a while after they parked. But I could really see them as my back was to them. 

After about five hours of them sitting in their car Man gets out. And kind of stumble-y like walks over to us. To our doggies. The two little doggies greeted Man well enough and thankfully Man's friend came over and ushered Man inside the building. whew. 

But then . . . not too long after [I still hadn't finished my blizzard, forget the fact that I'm a slow eater] Man comes back outside. And starts talking to us. Ok. Whatever. Fine. We'll be friendly and chat for a little bit. Then Man introduces himself as Ned. Ned started talking to The Hubs. So The Hubs asked Ned if he had any dogs. 

In my head I answered Hubs' question: "yes. Pitbull."

Bingo! That is exactly what Ned said. That and a Mastiff and another big dog, maybe a Rottweiler or something crazy. Anyhow, according to Ned he is a professional dog trainer. At least, that's what he told us. ...he never specified as to what kind of dog trainer he was exactly. Use your imagination. It's really not too difficult to figure out.

"Boy or girl? Boy or girl?" Ned slurs.

"Boy," Hubs says.

"Come here, girl!" Ned calls.

Girl, aka Puppy, does not go to Ned. In fact he scurries as far away from Ned as he can possibly get. I don't blame him.

Ned's breath is kinda stinky. Like, alcohol. Yes. You could say that. Ned smells of liquor. I hope he wasn't the one driving. And that if it was his friend driving, that Ned was the only one drinking. But... who knows.

"Watch this. Come here, girl," Ned calls to Puppy and grabs him by the leash. Or tries to at least.

"Boy or girl? Boy or girl?" Ned asks, again.

"Heh. Boy," reminds Hubs.

Puppy walks away. Ned moves so he is closer to Puppy. And promptly proceeds to wave his hand right in front of Puppy's face. "I can train her, watch," boasts Ned.

"No. That's okay. He doesn't need any training, we work with him at home," Hubs says.

"Boy or girl? Boy or girl?" Ned asks, yet again.

"He's a Boy," I say with very little annoyance in my tone I am sure.

"Come here, girl! I'll teach you a trick," Ned is not letting up. And he is getting a lot closer. To Puppy and to us. eh, no thank you, Ned. Ned continues to move his hand in circles and crazyness right in front of Puppy.

Puppy is getting annoyed. He is not the only one. "Hey, girl," Ned says as he sticks his arm right in front of Puppy's mouth.

Great. Ned is going to teach our puppy how to bite people. Won-der-ful. And that's when Puppy snaps. Bares his sharp little fangs, growls the meanest growl I've heard come from his mouth, and narrows his eyes with a look that could have killed Ned.

"We don't want Puppy to bite you, Ned," Hubs says.

"I won't sue you if she does. Promise, man." yeah right.

I stand up and start walking away. Hubs is coming too. [now looking back on it, I think I may have just started walking off without waiting for the rest of our small group to be ready to leave. I'm pretty sure I didn't care. That's not very nice of me now is it?]

Ned follows. "I can teach her. Girl, here," he says as he again hold his arm right in front of Puppy's face. Puppy is gettin' mean and cranky. I am a little scared for my life.

"We're leaving now. Bye, Ned." I say, curtly.

"Hold up. I'll give you $1000 for your dog right now. Look, I got it in my pocket," Ned offers as he pulls a wad of somethin' somethin' out of his pants pocket.

Oh. Good. Gravy. "We are not selling our dog," I say as I clutch Puppy to me and walk quickly away from Ned.

"$1000! Right here!"

"Nope." And I didn't look back.

oh, good goodness.

And then we [the small group had caught up by that point] walked back to the house and told a police man we saw about crazy Ned.

Now, there is good news here:

1. We are still alive.

2. Puppy didn't bite anyone.

3. We still have Puppy.

4. We know that Puppy is protective and can sense a bad guy when he sees/hears/smells one. I had always wondered if an unwelcome intruder came our way if Puppy would toughen up and attack if necessary. Now I know, yes, yes he will. And it is reassuring. I'm happy to know Puppy doesn't just bark the bark. He can be a tough little guy and protect me.



And that's the only happy ending to that little adventure.

oh, there are some pretty interesting people around, eh?  

Sorry for the longer post. I got a little carried away and nearly drowned in a pool of tears and fear just from recounting the events of this little nightmare story.

Anyhow. Toodles for now!



2 comments:

Laura Darling said...

Wow, that's unbelievable! I'm glad everything worked out though!

P! said...

Yay, puppy!! Sounds like he can really defend himself and you guys. That's very good to know. Sorry this happened... belligerent drunks have been scaring people for centuries. I'm glad you told the cop. And I know this story isn't funny, but the way you wrote it just made me chuckle regardless. You are such a good writer. Give my regards to Puppy!