Wednesday, July 24, 2013

the return of thrush

Remember way back when, when Emerson had thrush? I remember very clearly how horrible life was during this time. Emerson hardly ate, and when he did he would continually pull off and scream. The poor little fellow. Then I got thrush and we were both in terrible pain. After what seemed like forever we were both treated. It took nearly two months for the thrush to go away completely. After I was sure it was gone I made sure to throw away all of his pacis, the bottle nipples he had used during that time, and the milk I had stored in the freezer for future use. I made sure to throw away all of the milk that was pumped during the bout of thrush. And the few I didn't throw out I was scared to use for fear that we unknowingly had thrush during that time. So the bags of milk sat in the freezer. Untouched.

They should have gone in the trash.

We have started solids. Rice cereal for the moment. And I thought it would be great to use some of the milk I had in the freezer. Why not, right? Before I used it I thought, "I wonder if I had thrush when I pumped this. ... surely not, it was way back in February. He didn't have thrush in February, right? ..." This is the lesson I learned: go with your gut instinct. If you think thrush was present, then it probably was. Throw out the milk!

But did I listen to my gut instinct? No. Instead I mixed that milk with my baby's cereal. And now, because of my stupidity, Emerson has thrush. Again. It makes me want to cry. A lot. So chances are I will get thrush. Again.

I thought it was over. I thought we were done. He was eating so well! We were doing great! No problems! No troubles! It was blissful to have a baby who actually wanted to eat and didn't scream and cry in pain every time I tried to feed him. It was glorious to not be in pain myself and be ever aware of my boobs. But it is back. And gone are the days of good eating. Back are the days of screaming and crying, of pulling away and back arching.

Poor Baby.

And it's all my fault. I feel horrible. I feel terrible. I wish I could go back and just throw the milk out and use formula with the cereal instead.

Now we have to start medication. And it will probably be a month or so before it is gone. Oh, Lord, help us.

He's awake now, and hungry. So I am going to go try and feed my baby, who I know is going to scream and cry and pull away and not get all he needs because he is in pain.

ai. ai.


Susannah said...

Oh Hannah, I'm so sorry you're going through this!!! Don't blame yourself, girl! It was an honest mistake. I'll be praying for you and your little guy!

Katie said...

Aw, poor baby! Don't be so hard on yourself though, it was an honest mistake! Hopefully he is better soon!

Alexis Kaye said...

Oh my gosh! This is so sad!!!! I feel so lucky to have not dealt with this (yet!)! I hope it goes away soon and that somehow you don't get it too!