Tuesday, January 21, 2014

happy first birthday: a letter

Dear Emerson,

It is hard to believe that we welcomed you into our arms one year ago today. I feel like I was just waddling around my classroom, trying not to bump my kids with my belly, with you. I had some of the best and sweetest kids, they were dying to know what your name would be (it was so tempting to tell them) and what you would look like (so was I!). It seems like I was just finishing writing my lesson plans out for the next month (as prepared as I had ever been when it came to lesson planning) and writing down some things to share about the days ahead (who their sub would be, what to do if I went into labor during class, that they had given me the best year of teaching I could ask for, and a good bye of sorts), pushing myself away from my desk, packing my folders, notebooks, planner, and pencil case into my bag so I could go home for the long weekend. Little did I know on that Friday evening that it would be the last time I would gather my things and go home from school. I knew it was possible for you to come at any moment and that life was getting ready change for us all.

That Friday evening I locked up my room, went home, and sat in your empty nursery. I fingered your tiny clothes (that ended up not being tiny enough at first), wondering what you would be like, who you would look like, what our days together would be like, what your giggle would sound like, what your new baby skin would feel like against mine. Your daddy and I watched a movie that night and I remember thinking that it could very well be the last time we could just lay down and watch a movie with no interruptions (at least for a long while). Saturday we finished getting your room ready for you and made a list of things we needed to do on Monday since we were both off work that day: install your car seat, find a doctor for you, pre-register at the hospital, go out to dinner for one more date. But we wanted to enjoy one of our last Saturdays together before your arrival. A little later that afternoon your grammy and poppy came to visit us and to see your finished room.

This morning I kept thinking about what this day was like one year ago. It seems like it was just yesterday I woke your daddy up telling him we needed to go to the hospital. It seems like the nurses were just flipping, prodding, poking, and turning me so they could hear your heartbeat; oh the scare you gave us when we couldn't hear you. It seems like they were just taking me in to the operating room so you could make your entrance into this world. It seems like I just saw your tiny, precious, perfect face for the first time. It seems like just yesterday you stole my heart completely.

That Monday morning you surprised us but we were overjoyed to welcome you into our arms (birth story here) that cold winter day. You were such a tiny gooseberry, the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I loved you the moment I heard you, and oh, I was so thankful to hear that first little cry. You have grown so much this year and I have loved watching you learn and grow each and every day. I didn't think it was possible to love you more than on the day you were born, but I love you even more than the day before. You changed our plans for that day, you made even better ones for us. Every day since then you have been making our lives sweeter.

You are such a busy little guy, into everything, so curious, so "helpful", so content and happy. As each month passed I would hold you, watch you, talk and sing to you. All of our first days are gathered up and stored deep in my heart. I will cherish these days forever. Each day with you is a gift from God. I often find myself holding you just a little bit longer, rocking you just a little bit longer, looking at your sweet little self, your soft rosy cheek, just a little bit longer; I know these days with your tiny little self are numbered and soon you will be a handsome young man, and when that day comes I pray you will know and love our Lord and that I will cherish those days just as much as I do these ones. The Lord truly blessed and enriched our lives when he gave us you. You are an absolute joy, Emerson. I love you with my whole heart. Thank you for making me your mamma.

I love you to the stars and back,


Lauren said...

Beautiful post! Happy birthday Emerson!

Susannah said...

This brought a tear to my eye!! Happy birthday, Emerson!!!