Friday, January 17, 2014

letting it out before I pop

This morning I called to make a 12 month check up for E. I realize I should have done this sooner as his birthday is on Tuesday (crazy!), but for one reason or another it didn't get done on Monday or Tuesday or Wednesday... you get the idea. And before this week I thought of it, but I suppose not enough to call and actually make the appointment.

So I called and asked if I could make an appointment for some time next week, the latest appointment available. At which point I was asked for E's primary physician. Well, I told the lady, we have seen two different doctors and we really just need a later appointment, it doesn't matter which doctor it is with. Then she started going on about how we have to have one doctor. So I told her I wasn't really impressed with either of the doctors we had seen and would like to visit a new doctor. Apparently she didn't like this and told me that I just have to pick one, they have bios about all of the doctors on their website. I told her that's what I did the first and second time, and that reading a paragraph about a doctor online is not going to give me a very good feel for what they are like. Of course they are only going to highlight the good stuff and say how great of a doctor they are. And I asked for a few different doctors, again reminding her that I needed a late appointment. Needless to say, the conversation didn't go so well. I was hoping to make a doctors appointment and she kept telling me all of the doctors were full until the middle of February. What if my kid was really sick and needed an appointment? What then? Would they make me wait a month to see the doctor? 

The bad thing about it is that there is only one doctor's office here (and it's not even a doctor's office, it's a hospital) so it's not like I can just call over to a new office to find a more accommodating staff and doctor. No. This is it. The conversation ended with me just saying I would call back. I was frustrated because I just wanted to make an appointment and wasn't able to.

After I was done talking to receptionist I called and talked to Landon and went on about how I just wanted to make an appointment and like the doctor I was going to take our child to and this and that. And then he asked what the big deal about it was, it is after all, just a doctor's appointment. That's when I lost it. The tears came and pretty much haven't stopped.

It's silly, I know. He's right, I know. But I can't help it. The whole making an appointment for E was just the tipping point for me. It's not about the doctor, it's about being here. About moving here. I don't like it here. I am resentful about being here. I am not happy here. I don't want to babysit two babies. I don't want to have to worry and stress about our bank account. I don't want to spend all of my days alone, having no friends to visit with.

I want our old life. I miss it. I miss our friends, our church, our small group. I miss E's doctor. I miss not having to worry and stress about finances. I miss what we had. I just want to go back.

And I know that life is not about what we want and that it is full of doing things we don't want to do. I know that life isn't always easy. But I was happy in Louisville. And now, now I am not. And I know that it's a choice I can make, and oh how I try to be happy every. single. day. but when there are three babies who all need and want me at the same time.... It's just hard. And it makes me want what we had so much more. I want the simplicity of it back. I want my husband to come home in the evenings and be present, and not have to go and work/study for five more hours and then be gone all of the next day and then come home at night and do it all over again.

Even though I know this is where God has lead L, and this is where he wants us, I am struggling so much to be content. I am finding it so difficult to make the most out of this situation. And I know it's not a horrible situation and that there are so many people out there who are struggling so much more than we are; but for me, this is a struggle. For me, this is hard. I don't like it here.

I try and be supportive of L, I try to be happy for him, for us. But sometimes (like today obviously) it's just plain hard and life just sucks. I'm not trying to make L feel guilty for pursuing his PhD or for moving us here, but I just have to get it out there because otherwise I really just might pop.

So the phone call this morning to make an appointment for E just opened the doors and all of my frustrations came tumbling out. I still don't have an appointment for him or a doctor that I like. So, that's that.

How's that for some light reading for ya?


kelseylynae said...

I'm so glad you wrote this. It's easy to only write stuff that makes us feel good, but I often find in writing through the stuff that doesn't feel so good, I feel better then too.

And this is EXACTLY how I felt when we moved to Louisville. Only, I'll be honest, I resented Brent for it for awhile…after all it was HIS fault we were there! ;) That first summer was THE hardest summer I've ever had. I was oh so horribly lonely, and even though it was the first few months of our marriage, which I enjoyed, I longed for connections and the feeling of being KNOWN again.

Two years later as we drove out of that same city in our PENSKE moving truck, tears streamed down my face. I I was talking to a friend about the move, so confused about why I was so emotional about it all, and she said, "Kels, those are tears of unexpected blessings. You never expected to like Louisville, let alone grow there and meet people you would love forever. But you did. And those unexpected blessings are sometimes the sweetest of all."

It still sucked while I was living it in those first months and year, but looking back… it truly was what I needed and where we needed to be.

I know that probably doesn't help. But there ya go. And by-golly you SHOULD be able to get a doctor you LIKE! :) Love you guys. Hang in there. God is faithful.

Susannah said...

Oh sweet girl, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way! I know what it's like for a hubby to be gone all day and then studying all night. It's the WORST and I don't even have a kiddo and I have a community here. I can't imagine the frustration, loneliness, and stree you're dealing with. I'll be praying for you!!!! If you ever need to vent just send me an email! :-)

Rachel Lynn said...

Our situation isn't exactly the same, but I have to say I feel you! My hubby and I both work a lot, don't feel like we see each other enough, and hate where we are. For us, it's part of being military. It's not something we can change right now. But know you're not alone and you're in my prayers.

My Wholesome Home

Callie Nicole said...

I'm so sorry Hannah. I can so relate to this because I can't tell you how many times I've broken down over something silly just because I was really upset about Derek's job situation! I hate having him gone, I hate being lonely. I wish he just had a normal 8-5 job. It's so hard to be content with those kinds of situations, and I still hate it, but I think God sometimes puts us here because that us exactly what He wants us to learn to do - be content and grateful. It's hard. Praying for you too.